I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
