Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
