You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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