I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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