Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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