My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
