Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
