My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
