They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
