Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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