I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
