marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
