so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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