after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
