I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
