somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
