Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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