I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
