haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
