Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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