I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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