Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
