I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
