I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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