Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
