Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
