i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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