I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
