I'm eating all of the evidence.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
