2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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