i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
