I faked an abortion last night.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
