Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
