Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
