I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
