The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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