its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
