Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
