So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
