someone threw a dead crab at me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
