Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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