Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I will pee on everything he values.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
