I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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