I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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