Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
