Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
