On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
