This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
