I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
