Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
