Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
