I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
