i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
