grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
